Is this me?

The office is empty, aside from me and a cat.

The tunes are cranked.

You and me baby, we were born ten thousand years ago.
I know it sounds crazy, but we got ten thousand more to go.

And I am dancing.

Last night was wretched/wonderful.

The "will she get fired?" question was replaced with "bet's on how long before she quits. I got good odds on noon here people!" I still don't know if this releases my obligation of a protest quit. Sure, if she was fired... alas. I dunno.

But, let's take a moment: I don't care!

Last night I spent wrapped in L.'s arms. His best friend has just moved to the UK. There was no farewell at the airport. There was very little manly back-slapping. Now he's gone, and we don't know if he's ever coming back/we're ever going to visit.

L. was dispondent. So I dropped a bombshell on him that I've been holding in for a couple of days now.

"I think that group sex is fun and all, but aside from that, how'd you like to try the monogamy thing?"

For much of my relationship history, I have been a staunch supporter of open relationships. I've always stood by my belief that sex doesn't equal love either way you write it and that if there is trust, respect and communication, then there should be nothing standing between you and a bit of fun.

[Please note: in some relationships I have felt the need to remain monogamous for my significant's sake; it was more important to them that it was for me.]

I made sure L. knew my feelings on this topic way back [a whole four and a half months] when all this started. He was amenable to the idea, but after awhile it became obvious that there was jealousy and envy. A feeling of control and need to control that was unhealthy for everyone involved. I've had to sit down and question why this is necessary, or not, and why I want it in the first place.

I must confess, I don't come out so well in the wash.

1) I enjoy sex. A lot. I mean, a lot a lot.
2) I enjoy the differences between people.
3) There are people I care for that I enjoy expressing that care and, yes, love in different ways.
4) I am afraid that if no one wants me, then I am worthless.
5) I am so unbelievably insecure that I need others to lust for me.
5b) I am so unbelievably insecure that I need to give in to that lust so that they don't hate me.

Sounds selfish, don't it?

And let's be honest, these days I'm almost just going through the motions of 4 & 5 because it is how many have come to know me. That it is expected of me.

Fuck it. L. is so wonderful, makes me feel so beautiful, and frankly, is the best lay I've ever experienced. So why the hell do I have to give in to this insecure desire to screw everyone, just to be sure that I have the reassurance that I am awesome at all times? If I wait an hour or so, go home, then I will have the love and assurance tenfold from L.

And hey, maybe this will encourage L. to pick up a sweet little [reel missing.]

But the point is that yes, he only wants to be with me too. He held me and kissed me and we drifted off together, trying to steal each others pillows.